Stuck isn't sick.
We're back. And we have something to tell you about your kid.
If the young adult in your life can’t get out of bed, can’t hold a job, can’t leave the house, or can’t talk to you without it ending in conflict…you have probably tried a lot of things.
Trust and believe, when I’ve been in that stuck spot personally, the people in my life try the sun and stars. And I just tell them I need the moon.
Okay waiiit sorry my bad 😅 I was trying to be emo and poetic but could only think of the most basic of all metaphors, which of course reminded me of our king and queen Jason Momoa and Emilia Clarke. Then I obviously had to go down a rabbit hole of Drogo and Daenerys fanfic during my “do not bug me, I’m writing” time-blocked calendar event.
Aaaaand two hours later, we’re back. With only three paragraphs written and an hour left of my allotted writing time.
Whatever, it’s just my CREATIVE PROCESS?! If anything, this shows you where I’ve been at emotionally for truly like, the past year. The neurodivergent diagnoses have been firing on all cylinders.
Alright Hayley, you’ve got this girl. Let’s say something important.
Take Two
If the young adult in your life can’t get out of bed, can’t hold a job, can’t leave the house, or can’t talk to you without it ending in conflict…you have probably tried a lot of things.
You’ve tried a therapist. Maybe two. Maybe you’ve sprinkled in some fun meds here and there. Maybe even dabbled in a school change (one of my personal favorites, having gone to four high schools). You might have tried to send us to an IOP, hired us an executive functioning coach, and gotten us into a summer “internship” program in Costa Rica.
BUT YOU CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT EQUATION TO GET US MOVING AGAIN.
Your kid, your young adult, is still stuck.
The thing I want to tell you, before anything else, is that this is not because your kid is sick.
A lot of what gets called sickness in young adults this age is actually just “stuckness.” And stuckness, despite not being an actual word, is a relationship problem, not a diagnosis. It gets solved by the right person showing up in our actual lives. Not by another clinical room with an intake form.
I know that’s a hot take. DW, we’ll spend the coming months (years?) unpacking that.
Where we’ve been
Or really, it’s more like where have I been. It’s been a minute since I last wrote.
For those of you who’ve been reading our chaotic, and clearly personally therapeutic, newsletter since 2024, thanks for sticking around 🩵
For those of you who are new, hi, I’m Hayley. My co-founder Colin and I started Not Therapy in early 2024 to be the kind of support we wish we’d had as teenagers coming out of “troubled teen” treatment, and as young adults just figuring out how to actually build a life. And I’ve been the one in charge of writing our newsletter.
We’ve (I’ve) been quiet for a while. To be fair, we’ve also been deep in it. We’ve grown from a team of two to TEN (!!) people in the last year, our process has evolved, and we’ve worked with some incredible families I never imagined would have hired us when we first started.
On a more personal note, let me be real for a sec.
In the last year, I got married (shout out to my amazing husband who is currently the backbone of sanity in our home rn 💖), went through a whole legal immigration process, am still getting ready for our wedding celebration on the other side of the world, AND moved across the country from NYC, where I lived since I was 21, to my home town in the Bay Area. Oh, and I’m still running a company with Colin. MUCH more on all this later, especially what I’m learning from the move, but this is why my writing currently starts to skew emo within the first two sentences 🤷♀️
Needless to say, I’ve found myself deeper in a “stuck” phase than I have been in years.
We all get stuck sometimes. We were the stuck young adults once. We are all often still figuring it out as adults. Although tbh, idk if I’ve graduated to “adult” yet with the amount of temper tantrums and meltdowns I’m having currently. Big shout out again to my husband.
But being stuck is not a disqualifier from doing this work. By “this work,” I mean helping the young adults in our lives get unstuck. It’s actually the qualifier.
What’s different now
A lot, actually.
The newsletter is back by popular demand. AKA my mom responding to the general Not Therapy email so that the whole team can see. Although please don’t stop Mom, your encouragement is what we (I) need to keep going!!
The newsletter is back, and it’s going to be different. Specifically, it’s for you. The parent.
The original version of the newsletter was, in many ways, a former troubled teen explaining herself to the world. Parents read it. Some of you told me it was one of the most useful things you’d read about your kid in years. BRAG, but like, even parent coaches and therapists said that too soooooo clearly there was something there.
But it wasn’t, strictly speaking, written for you. It was written from inside my own experience, and you were welcome to listen.
This version is different. It’s written to you. About your kid. As your kid. Or at least as someone who was, not too long ago, exactly where your young adult kid is now. From someone who works with families like yours every day.
It’s also written, very intentionally, as an advocate for your kid. For the young adult in the room when their parent is reading. A lot of what I’m going to share with you is the truth your kid would tell you themselves if they could find the words. I’ve been that young adult who couldn’t find the words. I know what it costs.
We’re publishing on Substack now, which is just a logistical thing (better archive, better discovery, easier for people to forward issues to other parents). The publication is called Not Your Therapists. The newsletter inside of it is just Not Therapy. Just to continue to make it abundantly clear that we aren’t, in fact, clinical professionals. Nor are we trying to be. There are already hundreds of newsletters written by clinical professionals, for parents. But we know what we know through lived experience and having been in your kids shoes.
If you’re new and want to subscribe, we’d love to have you join our community of parents who are down to look at things a little differently.
What we’re not against
Before I go, one important thing.
We are not against therapy. Let’s say that one more time for the people in the back. WE ARE NOT AGAINST THERAPY. I love my therapist currently. She’s a bad ass.
We collab with therapists on most of our young adult clients and their families. In fact, I have a fool proof way to help you (anyone) find an amazing therapist who is actually good at their job and who’s accepting new clients in your area. Literally reach out if you want me to show you how to do it. I’ve done it for myself in multiple different states, for my girlfriends for the last decade, and for the majority of my clients. Just having moved to California, I found a great therapist (and I’m reaaallllyyyy picky) on my first try. Works like a charm.
We have mixed feelings about residential treatment programs. For adults, they can sometimes be a solid choice for a few months if you need to get out of your current environment. Or for adults who want to live with other people going through similar things and who want that extra layer of support. For teens under 18, like we were when we were sent away to wilderness and therapeutic boarding school for two years, it’s more complicated. I personally got something out of my treatment experience. I learned about myself, learned I had more agency than I thought I did, and made some best friends for life. It was also weird af and left a lot of scars. And my particular treatment center was also the subject of a multimillion-dollar lawsuit a few years ago and has since closed. So…it’s complicated.
What we are against is the reflex. The reflex that takes a kid who can't get out of bed and answers the question "what's wrong with them?" with another diagnosis and another referral, when the actual problem is that this young adult doesn't have the relationships, the structure, or the people in their daily life that they need to build something they're excited to wake up for.
We’re against the assumption that the diagnostic frame is the deepest truth about a young person, when very often it’s just the most legible thing the system can produce.
If your kid has a real diagnosis, that diagnosis is real. We’re not denying it. We’re just saying it’s probably not the whole story, and it’s almost certainly not where the unsticking happens.
What’s coming
Over the next year, I’m going to write to you about:
Specific things your kid would tell you if they could.
What gets called sickness in young adults this age that’s actually stuckness, and how to tell the difference.
The things parents do (with the best intentions) that keep their kid stuck longer.
What works. Not in the abstract. Specifically. With examples and proof.
The news. Documentaries, lawsuits, legislation, and viral moments parents are already hearing about, and what they actually mean for your family.
The occasional (frequent?) overshare from me. When it earns it’s place.
If you’ve been here from the beginning, you know what some of this is going to feel like. Direct, sometimes funny, sometimes harder to hear than you wanted. If you’re new, welcome. Forward this to one other parent who needs to read it.
Your kid isn’t sick. They’re stuck. And stuck is solvable.
We’ll start there.
💚 - Hayley
I love it! And I love the term "stuckness", it's a great way to describe it 👏