Our 21-year-old daughter recently opened up to us about how hard it is not only to find friends she can connect with over shared interests - and not just going out to bars - but also to find an older adult who genuinely takes an interest in her life (parents don't count, of course!).
The challenge is that many of the places where those relationships naturally develop just aren't part of her life right now. She has a part-time job, but her coworkers are her age and dealing with many of the same things she is. She hasn't been involved in sports or other activities since she started using substances 6 years ago. Professors she felt connected to become distant memories once the semester ended, and there isn't an older cousin or family member who consistently reaches out and stays involved in her life.
On top of that, some of the more obvious opportunities for connection come with their own barriers. She's not interested in attending DBT, 12-step, or other therapeutic groups because of a negative experience she had several years ago. Her depression and current substance use also make it harder for her to reach out to adults she might otherwise consider connecting with.
And last but not least, she had what she considers a bad experience with a (paid) mentor after returning home from wilderness therapy, so even the word "mentor" carries a negative connotation for her. I think she knows she would benefit from having supportive adults in her life, but finding those relationships -and being open to them - has been much more complicated than it might seem from the outside.
I completely agree with Hayley.
Our 21-year-old daughter recently opened up to us about how hard it is not only to find friends she can connect with over shared interests - and not just going out to bars - but also to find an older adult who genuinely takes an interest in her life (parents don't count, of course!).
The challenge is that many of the places where those relationships naturally develop just aren't part of her life right now. She has a part-time job, but her coworkers are her age and dealing with many of the same things she is. She hasn't been involved in sports or other activities since she started using substances 6 years ago. Professors she felt connected to become distant memories once the semester ended, and there isn't an older cousin or family member who consistently reaches out and stays involved in her life.
On top of that, some of the more obvious opportunities for connection come with their own barriers. She's not interested in attending DBT, 12-step, or other therapeutic groups because of a negative experience she had several years ago. Her depression and current substance use also make it harder for her to reach out to adults she might otherwise consider connecting with.
And last but not least, she had what she considers a bad experience with a (paid) mentor after returning home from wilderness therapy, so even the word "mentor" carries a negative connotation for her. I think she knows she would benefit from having supportive adults in her life, but finding those relationships -and being open to them - has been much more complicated than it might seem from the outside.