Hayley, I appreciate you identifying the age group gap, the phone's impact on the developing brain, the need for kids to experience and solve little "failures" so they develop skills to succeed with the larger challenges, and so much more. . . specifically discerning the pros and cons of therapy. I so agree that therapy is not a magic bullet, specifically for building and practicing life skills (I've had a couple of decades of being a therapist:)
Your mention of the RELATIONSHIP is specifically where Moms and Dads can make the biggest impact and have the greatest influence on there teen or young adult. As Johann Hari suggests in his TED talk, "the opposite of addiction is not just sobriety; it's connection" and that's good needs for families!
thanks for this Jeff! i appreciate the validation coming from a long-time therapist, too 🙌 even in therapy, i would imagine that the relationship is an important driver of outcomes!
Our 21-year-old daughter recently opened up to us about how hard it is not only to find friends she can connect with over shared interests - and not just going out to bars - but also to find an older adult who genuinely takes an interest in her life (parents don't count, of course!).
The challenge is that many of the places where those relationships naturally develop just aren't part of her life right now. She has a part-time job, but her coworkers are her age and dealing with many of the same things she is. She hasn't been involved in sports or other activities since she started using substances 6 years ago. Professors she felt connected to become distant memories once the semester ended, and there isn't an older cousin or family member who consistently reaches out and stays involved in her life.
On top of that, some of the more obvious opportunities for connection come with their own barriers. She's not interested in attending DBT, 12-step, or other therapeutic groups because of a negative experience she had several years ago. Her depression and current substance use also make it harder for her to reach out to adults she might otherwise consider connecting with.
And last but not least, she had what she considers a bad experience with a (paid) mentor after returning home from wilderness therapy, so even the word "mentor" carries a negative connotation for her. I think she knows she would benefit from having supportive adults in her life, but finding those relationships -and being open to them - has been much more complicated than it might seem from the outside.
thanks for sharing your story Melanie! 🩵 i can totally relate to having been where your daughter is at currently. when i was in engineering school and working in tech, it felt nearly impossible to find a female mentor who was willing to put the time into our relationship. i realized to develop a relationship with a real-world mentor, i needed to first find them and actively add value to their life/work. since they're not being paid, the relationship has to be reciprocal. it's easiest to do in the context of a job, but there are other areas she could find these people too! i will touch more on this in my next two posts :)
Hayley, I appreciate you identifying the age group gap, the phone's impact on the developing brain, the need for kids to experience and solve little "failures" so they develop skills to succeed with the larger challenges, and so much more. . . specifically discerning the pros and cons of therapy. I so agree that therapy is not a magic bullet, specifically for building and practicing life skills (I've had a couple of decades of being a therapist:)
Your mention of the RELATIONSHIP is specifically where Moms and Dads can make the biggest impact and have the greatest influence on there teen or young adult. As Johann Hari suggests in his TED talk, "the opposite of addiction is not just sobriety; it's connection" and that's good needs for families!
thanks for this Jeff! i appreciate the validation coming from a long-time therapist, too 🙌 even in therapy, i would imagine that the relationship is an important driver of outcomes!
I completely agree with Hayley.
Our 21-year-old daughter recently opened up to us about how hard it is not only to find friends she can connect with over shared interests - and not just going out to bars - but also to find an older adult who genuinely takes an interest in her life (parents don't count, of course!).
The challenge is that many of the places where those relationships naturally develop just aren't part of her life right now. She has a part-time job, but her coworkers are her age and dealing with many of the same things she is. She hasn't been involved in sports or other activities since she started using substances 6 years ago. Professors she felt connected to become distant memories once the semester ended, and there isn't an older cousin or family member who consistently reaches out and stays involved in her life.
On top of that, some of the more obvious opportunities for connection come with their own barriers. She's not interested in attending DBT, 12-step, or other therapeutic groups because of a negative experience she had several years ago. Her depression and current substance use also make it harder for her to reach out to adults she might otherwise consider connecting with.
And last but not least, she had what she considers a bad experience with a (paid) mentor after returning home from wilderness therapy, so even the word "mentor" carries a negative connotation for her. I think she knows she would benefit from having supportive adults in her life, but finding those relationships -and being open to them - has been much more complicated than it might seem from the outside.
thanks for sharing your story Melanie! 🩵 i can totally relate to having been where your daughter is at currently. when i was in engineering school and working in tech, it felt nearly impossible to find a female mentor who was willing to put the time into our relationship. i realized to develop a relationship with a real-world mentor, i needed to first find them and actively add value to their life/work. since they're not being paid, the relationship has to be reciprocal. it's easiest to do in the context of a job, but there are other areas she could find these people too! i will touch more on this in my next two posts :)