The number one parenting red flag
đ Before we dive inâŚ
I had the best time recording this episode of Stories from the Field with Will White a few weeks ago! We mostly talk about what I went through after treatment, which is part of what inspired last weekâs newsletter of what qualifies us to be coaches. Give it a listen for a different side of my story. Thanks for having me, Will!
Our top parenting Red Flags đŠ
Colin and I have often talked about how much we donât like (most) home contracts. Creating a home contract typically marks the beginning of the end of being at a treatment center. My therapist and I agreed upon goals, rules, and red flags that my parents signed then off on.
One of the things we feel is usually missing from a home contract is the part where the parents agree to do (or not do) certain things to support themselves in their childâs transition home. If weâre bringing eighteen months worth of therapy and treatment to the table, we feel the parents should also take time to reflect on what they need to do to make sure they continue to grow and take care of themselves.
Over the last eight months, weâve worked with 25 young people and their families, and we have been on 15 home visits.
Here are the top three things that we see parents tend to do that block their kids from having success when they return home from treatment, especially when everyone is living under the same roof.
đŠ When parents do not have the outside support they need personally
Weâre talking therapist, parent coach and/or parent support group (we love OPLM, Hopestream, and Speaking of Teens!). This genuinely is the number one block we see with parents who are struggling to build the relationship they want with their children when theyâre living at home.
If parents arenât taking care of themselves or if theyâre unwilling to grow and try something new, then weâve seen it be extremely difficult for them to be genuinely supportive of their children in the way they need.
For Colin and I, it was incredibly encouraging to see our parents putting in their own work, separate from us, to understand themselves better and work towards living their best lives.
Thereâs solidarity in that. It also showed us that their happiness and their relationship with each other didnât rely on their children doing well 24/7. Seeing them take care of themselves showed us that we could go to them when weâre struggling and not have to worry that we were going to deeply upset them.
Iâm sure they were and still are upset behind the scenes when we come to them when weâre struggling. However, because theyâre keeping their side of the street clean and talking to a third party about how theyâre doing, we were much more likely to come to them when we needed help and take care of ourselves in the same way.
đŠ When parents donât recognize the difference between their expectations vs. house rules
A parentâs expectations are the manifestation of what they want for their child. i.e. their hopes and wishes for them. Itâs totally normal and okay expectations for oneâs child, but we see often parents mistake their own expectations for the rules they want their child to follow.
A rule is something their child has to follow or else face specific consequences. When we start working with a family, we encourage parents to choose 2-3 rules that their child absolutely must follow in order to live under their roof (or have college paid for, cell phone plan, etc.). Each rule must have a very specific consequence so that their child knows whatâs at stake if they break them. Rules are usually the things parents need their child to do (or not do) to keep them safe and themselves sane.
If their child breaks a rule, itâs on the parents to enforce the consequence. If their child doesnât meet their expectations, however, itâs on parents to cope with their emotions around it.
We encourage parents to remember that itâs healthy and normal for a young person to have different goals for themselves than what their parents expect of them. We love when parents talk to their children about their expectations in an honest and transparent way, and we encourage them to share their feelings when their kids arenât meeting those expectations. At the same time, parents have to work towards letting go of their judgment of themselves and their children in these moments.
We see that having another parent (or therapist or coach) to talk to when they feel like their child is disappointing or when they need to enforce a consequence makes parents lives a lot easier in this respect.
đŠ When parents take their childrenâs behavior personally
Trust me, I know Iâm going to struggle with this when I have children. Parents make many of their decisions based on what they think is best for their children. Even the decisions that seem like they have nothing to do with their kids.
This is why Colin and I constantly remind parents that their kids donât operate in the same way. Most of their decision-making has nothing to do with how they think their parents are going to feel about things.
Itâs hard not to take their behavior personally, especially when it feels personal and they might even try to make it about their parents. Their choices right now are about figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world outside of their family.
Taking their behavior personally leads to resentment and often contributes to a lack of communication. I know this one is easier said than done, hence the need for parent support outside of the family.
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Just to be clear, we understand why parents tend to do all of the above, and we donât think parents who do these things are bad parents at all! Quite the opposite. It usually shows how much they love and care for their child.
Weâre just sharing our perspective of what weâve seen that hasnât been helpful, having been in their kidâs shoes. We know that changing these things is easier said than done, and we have the utmost respect for all the parents we work with. Theyâve all put in a ton of work on themselves. Weâve seen that as they come out of these patterns of behavior, it makes a huge positive difference in their relationship with their child.
We love working with families who look at the transition home from treatment, or even just the transition into adulthood in general, as a team effort. Weâve partnered with some fantastic parent coaches, individual therapists, and family therapists over the last few months who have made a world of difference in the progress of the entire family. As we continue to build out our network of support, please feel free to reach out if youâre looking for more professionals to get the support you, or the families you work with, need.
And nowâŚâŚour vibes this weekđŽ
đ What weâre reading
Meet the people using ChatGPT as their therapist, dazed
How it feels to be a college student whose parents canât let go, slate
đś What weâre listening to
From wilderness therapy to empowerment, stories from the field
đĄ One last thought
In honor of lamorne morris winning an emmy
THANKS FOR READING!
If you found this valuable, this is your signâď¸ to send this to parents or young people who can relate to the feelings weâre having this week so we can make sure they know theyâre not alone. Sharing is caring đ
Weâre in this to collaborate and support. Please feel free to reach out to us:
If youâre a parent who has a child in treatment, weâre happy to answer any of your burning questions and share our experience in treatment and with transitioning out!
If youâre passionate about changing the narrative in the therapeutic program industry.
Can you give examples of rules you see and consequences - your distinction between expectations and rules is a really good one.